Better Are the Wounds of a Friend…
In my first year of college, I spent time getting to know a lot of different people from a variety of backgrounds. I didn’t know many people to start off with, but I was eager to form lasting friendships. Someone gave me a piece of advice that I’ll not soon forget. They said, “You become like the five people you spend the most time with.” Though all cliches have their shortcomings, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Before that, I wasn’t necessarily choosing well - sometimes I wasn’t choosing at all, but passively hanging around with whoever.
When I really considered that advice, I began to be intentional with what friendships I wanted to pursue. I asked myself, “Who do I want to become like?” There were two particular young women in my freshman class who I had gotten to know a bit. I knew them well enough to know I admired their character and would happily be influenced by them.
Six years later, they’re still two of my closest friends. Through all our changing seasons of life, I know I can call on them whenever. We’ve experienced hurts and road bumps in our friendship, but one of the things I appreciate most about them is they are willing to hurt my feelings with the truth.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”
Like any Christian hoping to grow, I need a steady diet of loving rebuke in my life. Not from random people on the internet who don’t know me, but from my in-person community. Not if, but when I am wrong, I need friends who love me enough to tell me so. When I say something untrue, I need them to push back. You do, too.
In this digital age, it’s too easy for us to seek out validation and praise from practical strangers when we should be seeking accountability from people IRL. It’s human nature to seek out relationships with people who think, dress, and act like us, but that opens us up to so many problems.
The most substantial aspect of that trio is thought. If we only surround ourselves with people who think just like us, we will live in an echo chamber of our own opinion. People to praise and affirm us, never question or challenge our perspective. This is so easy in the digital age where likes and comments and applause emojis are a dime a dozen. So many accounts have built their followings on flattery - excessive and insincere praise, given especially to further one's own interests.
In case you’ve gotten too acquainted with this cycle on social media, this is your friendly reminder that flattery is a sin. Profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Anyone can tell you what you want to hear, but do you have people in your life who speak the truth to you? Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Find friends who will do this for you and tell them you want to hear it when they sense the need. Pray for God to soften your heart, humble you, and allow you to receive their words graciously. Be the kind of friend who speaks the “cold, hard truth” in a gracious and loving way, knowing that while the message may be offensive, your delivery doesn’t have to be. If someone is caught up in sin, the loving thing to do is warn and rebuke them.
I have done this well and I have done it poorly. I have had to apologize for my own harshness WHILE delivering a rebuke to a dear sister-in-Christ. After we talked, I felt awful. I said what the Lord put on my heart, but my flesh got in the way and added insult to injury. I didn’t expect her to ever want to speak to me again. But the next time she saw me, she gave a me bear hug and told me she loved me. I was floored. She showed more grace in her pinky than I contained in my whole body. Even though I rebuked her, I think she taught me more with her actions than I could with my words.
There have also been times when even though my words were both true and gracious, the person meant to receive them was too barricaded by pride or outright rebellion to gain anything from them. We can’t control the outcome, but the important thing is to be faithful. So, my question for you today is this: what kind of friend are you? And what kind of friendships should you pursue?
